To My Tim

This is for Tim. And I usually don't do this, but lately I've been feeling such gratitude for life and not just life, but the people that share this life with me. And today, I'd like to honor the man I love more than I've ever loved any man before.

No doubt our relationship is atypical. Or non-traditional. Nor does it make sense to others, including us at times.

But I am here to say that this man is a good man. He has not always acted like it, and his behavior has been flawed at times. But the reason I love him is because I know him  better than anyone that thinks he is less than wonderful. I will admit his flaws as I'm not afraid of them. He can be a bit selfish at times. A bit immature at times. And sometimes, he doesn't have the right words to say. He has trouble expressing himself and he's hard headed. Knowing these things doesn't make him any less desirable to me, nor does it make me love him any less.

Sharing most of the last three years with him, I've come to to know the man he truly is on the inside. I love his passion for things. It may not be the same passions I possess, but his passion for the things he loves makes me love him even more. Anyone who know me knows the struggles I've had with that race car. The racing. I didn't get it. Nor did I want to. But loving someone is loving who they are, and I have come to love that about him. I never went to a dirt race before March of this year, nor had I ever had the desire to. The first couple of times, I left less than thrilled that this money had went to something so trivial to me. But then I saw the smile on his face, the light in his eyes, and the passion from within that I'd never seen before. Seeing him do what he loves eventually made me love it to. I admit it: I am a dirt race fan. I know the cars, the classes of cars, the point systems, the drivers. I even have my favorite drivers I consider my "racetrack crushes". I love it.

Before, Tim would go on and on about car parts. None of which I knew about or cared about or could even pronounce at first. But now I enjoy getting online with him, browsing the race sites looking for parts that could make "our" car a winning car. I enjoy the excitement it brings him and I enjoy that he has passed this excitement to our son. I may complain about the daily wake up call of race car noises, but it's important for every boy to love something, to dream of something. And that is what his daddy has passed down to him. I love him even more for sharing something so special to him with our son. And I'm fully supportive of what either of my boys want to do. I know this is something that is a life long adventure, and I know they can bond throughout the years on this same hobby.

In fact, I can't wait until March 2011. When Tim races his first race with his newly renovated car. It's going to be great. I have such high hope for him and I believe he will do well. I can't wait until his first top-five finish. And I know the day will come when he wins his first feature race. Me and the kids will join him for his victory picture and it'll be a moment none of us ever forget.

I also love that he loves his job. His job is an important one and I cannot express how proud I am of him. He has come so far since I first met him, and it makes me happy to know he's grown as a person and he wants the best for this family. He works long, hard hours and it takes him away from us, but he is doing  his best to contribute to our family. I am thankful and grateful he has found a job he loves and that he works so hard to take care of us. And what makes it so meaningful to me is that...he never complains.

Our home life is a good one. We don't always do anything spectacular, but that's not what togetherness is about. It is about enjoying simple things and enjoying them together. TV time on the couch, family dinners, playtime, hanging out with friends and their kids, goofing off, and sometimes just sitting in silence because the peacefulness within allows us to do just that. I love when Tim gets on the floor with Parker and Riley, I love family wrestle time, I love to see him help Riley with her math homework (God knows I can't!), I love to see him look through race magazines with Parker. I love our alone time after the kids go to bed. I like the affection he gives and I love he tells me he loves me all the time.

I'm not perfect. And sometimes I forget myself how happy he makes me. And I don't always appreciate him the way I should. I take him for granted and I know I shouldn't. My life is BETTER because of him. He makes our house a HOME.

I know everyone doesn't agree with our relationship, or understand it. But to be honest, it doesn't matter. What matters is what goes on between just the two of us. We aren't your average couple, and we acknowledge it. But we do the best we can every day with what we've got. And we do it together. And we don't have exciting lives, but we have a good one.

Today I am reminding myself that no matter how bad my day goes, I need to be thankful for the man I have in my life. Everyone knows me knows that I'm a spastic being, and sometimes I go a few notches beyond normal. But I think everyone knows what a loyal lover I am. To my friends, to my family, and to the person I love. My imperfections can be difficult to manage, and he is trying his best to manage them. I love this man. And he loves me. He must, because he is still by my side.

I want everyone to know that despite our past, Tim and I are trying to move in the right direction. We have something and even if it's not visible to everyone else, it is special. And I want to marry this man. We know we have work to do before that happens and are not blind to problems we have. But we are working on them. And even though we've been apart, we always end up back together. Like it or not, I believe we are going to stay together. And that makes me the happiest person in the world.

I hope you are reading this Tim, and I hope you don't mind me putting everything out there. But you are the love of my life. And I want to share that with not only you, but the people who love me. I hope everyone can embrace Tim as I have because he is a wonderful man with a lot to offer. He's not perfect by any means, and he's done wrong. But we all have. And we've all at one point wanted or thought we deserved a second chance (or third or fourth). But I'm committed to making this work, no how many tries it takes.

To my man, my best friend...LUMED.