To My Tim

This is for Tim. And I usually don't do this, but lately I've been feeling such gratitude for life and not just life, but the people that share this life with me. And today, I'd like to honor the man I love more than I've ever loved any man before.

No doubt our relationship is atypical. Or non-traditional. Nor does it make sense to others, including us at times.

But I am here to say that this man is a good man. He has not always acted like it, and his behavior has been flawed at times. But the reason I love him is because I know him  better than anyone that thinks he is less than wonderful. I will admit his flaws as I'm not afraid of them. He can be a bit selfish at times. A bit immature at times. And sometimes, he doesn't have the right words to say. He has trouble expressing himself and he's hard headed. Knowing these things doesn't make him any less desirable to me, nor does it make me love him any less.

Sharing most of the last three years with him, I've come to to know the man he truly is on the inside. I love his passion for things. It may not be the same passions I possess, but his passion for the things he loves makes me love him even more. Anyone who know me knows the struggles I've had with that race car. The racing. I didn't get it. Nor did I want to. But loving someone is loving who they are, and I have come to love that about him. I never went to a dirt race before March of this year, nor had I ever had the desire to. The first couple of times, I left less than thrilled that this money had went to something so trivial to me. But then I saw the smile on his face, the light in his eyes, and the passion from within that I'd never seen before. Seeing him do what he loves eventually made me love it to. I admit it: I am a dirt race fan. I know the cars, the classes of cars, the point systems, the drivers. I even have my favorite drivers I consider my "racetrack crushes". I love it.

Before, Tim would go on and on about car parts. None of which I knew about or cared about or could even pronounce at first. But now I enjoy getting online with him, browsing the race sites looking for parts that could make "our" car a winning car. I enjoy the excitement it brings him and I enjoy that he has passed this excitement to our son. I may complain about the daily wake up call of race car noises, but it's important for every boy to love something, to dream of something. And that is what his daddy has passed down to him. I love him even more for sharing something so special to him with our son. And I'm fully supportive of what either of my boys want to do. I know this is something that is a life long adventure, and I know they can bond throughout the years on this same hobby.

In fact, I can't wait until March 2011. When Tim races his first race with his newly renovated car. It's going to be great. I have such high hope for him and I believe he will do well. I can't wait until his first top-five finish. And I know the day will come when he wins his first feature race. Me and the kids will join him for his victory picture and it'll be a moment none of us ever forget.

I also love that he loves his job. His job is an important one and I cannot express how proud I am of him. He has come so far since I first met him, and it makes me happy to know he's grown as a person and he wants the best for this family. He works long, hard hours and it takes him away from us, but he is doing  his best to contribute to our family. I am thankful and grateful he has found a job he loves and that he works so hard to take care of us. And what makes it so meaningful to me is that...he never complains.

Our home life is a good one. We don't always do anything spectacular, but that's not what togetherness is about. It is about enjoying simple things and enjoying them together. TV time on the couch, family dinners, playtime, hanging out with friends and their kids, goofing off, and sometimes just sitting in silence because the peacefulness within allows us to do just that. I love when Tim gets on the floor with Parker and Riley, I love family wrestle time, I love to see him help Riley with her math homework (God knows I can't!), I love to see him look through race magazines with Parker. I love our alone time after the kids go to bed. I like the affection he gives and I love he tells me he loves me all the time.

I'm not perfect. And sometimes I forget myself how happy he makes me. And I don't always appreciate him the way I should. I take him for granted and I know I shouldn't. My life is BETTER because of him. He makes our house a HOME.

I know everyone doesn't agree with our relationship, or understand it. But to be honest, it doesn't matter. What matters is what goes on between just the two of us. We aren't your average couple, and we acknowledge it. But we do the best we can every day with what we've got. And we do it together. And we don't have exciting lives, but we have a good one.

Today I am reminding myself that no matter how bad my day goes, I need to be thankful for the man I have in my life. Everyone knows me knows that I'm a spastic being, and sometimes I go a few notches beyond normal. But I think everyone knows what a loyal lover I am. To my friends, to my family, and to the person I love. My imperfections can be difficult to manage, and he is trying his best to manage them. I love this man. And he loves me. He must, because he is still by my side.

I want everyone to know that despite our past, Tim and I are trying to move in the right direction. We have something and even if it's not visible to everyone else, it is special. And I want to marry this man. We know we have work to do before that happens and are not blind to problems we have. But we are working on them. And even though we've been apart, we always end up back together. Like it or not, I believe we are going to stay together. And that makes me the happiest person in the world.

I hope you are reading this Tim, and I hope you don't mind me putting everything out there. But you are the love of my life. And I want to share that with not only you, but the people who love me. I hope everyone can embrace Tim as I have because he is a wonderful man with a lot to offer. He's not perfect by any means, and he's done wrong. But we all have. And we've all at one point wanted or thought we deserved a second chance (or third or fourth). But I'm committed to making this work, no how many tries it takes.

To my man, my best friend...LUMED.

Thirty and Thankful

As I near the mostly dreaded 30s, I smile. I smile because I'm happy to have made it through my 20s. The 20s were not the best years of my life, though they were valuable. I learned so much about myself, about other people, and about life. And I hope to take every single one of those lessons and apply it to my 30s so I can live fabulously through them. I'm excited about the new adventure I'm about to embark on, and I don't feel old at all. I feel great. I feel rejuvenated. At times in my 20s, I felt old. I felt like life had beat me up pretty badly, and I thought I'd never make it through. But I did. I'm a survivor of my 20s and I'm happy to say hello to 30.

Turning 30 is not something I ever thought I'd be so happy to experience, but being where I am today makes me happy that I've come this far and excited about what the future will bring. It took most of my 20s to figure out what I wanted in life, who I wanted to be, and who I wanted to be with. It took another while of my 20s to get that all in order, and by the end of my 20s, I think I have it all together. I know exactly who I am, what I want, and who I want to be with. And right now, the pieces are fitting together and it feels good.

I am happy. I have a great family. I have friends that are like family. I have a great job that I love coming to every day. I have two beautiful children that make my life worthwhile every single day. I have an amazing man who was made just for me. I'm pretty lucky.

I don't live in luxury, nor do I care to. I don't drive a brand new car, nor does it bother me. I don't live in the biggest house, nor does it affect me at all. I look at it like this: I have what I need. My car works just fine. And my house is big enough for the beautiful family that lives in it. We have food. We have clothing. We have running water. And we have electricity. Most importantly, we have each other.

And as long as my kids are loved, laughing, and happy...I feel like I've met one of my biggest accomplishments: being a good mother and provider for my family.

I still stress about the financial worries that every family faces, but I know in my heart I am a rich girl. I will never be without because all the wonderful people I've surrounded myself with in this life.

So, here's to 30. May I continue to nurture all these relationships throughout my 30s and let them grow. May I continue to strive to be the best mother to my children and woman to my man. May I continue to be a good daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. May I thrive at my job and advance in my career. May I enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer, those pleasures that do not cost a dime.

I am incredibly happy at this point in my life and even though I stress about everything (it's in my nature!), I know I am taken care of because I am in good hands. God has blessed me with some pretty fantastic people and I don't know how I ever deserved such quality people, but I am completely grateful.

Here's to 30. Let's embrace life and love and people.

Peace and Love Everyone!

Honoring Those I Love

Blessed are those who give without remembering. And blessed are those who take without forgetting. ~ Bernard Meltzler

I love this time of year. The weather is perfect as it casts a cool air upon us. The leaves are turning color and twirling around us as we take a walk. It's the time of year when I find myself smiling at nothing in particular except the mere existence of myself and those I love and all that life has to offer. This time of year hosts Thanksgiving and Christmas, two days that are based on love, family, honor, giving thanks, and being grateful for all the possibilities we as individuals have been blessed with.

I have many things to be thankful for this year. If this were my winning speech for best actress this is who I'd thank, and why:

I'd like to thank my Mother for being the amazing rock she is. I'd like to honor her character, her strength, and her wisdom. I'd like to acknowledge her kindness, her forgiveness, and her understanding nature. I want to thank her for not only being an amazing mother, but the best grandmother to my children and my siblings' children. She's not only their grandmother, but a third parent to them as she is always there. I have so many wonderful memories of this woman and I hope I am blessed enough have many, many more.

I'd like to thank my father for always providing me with a laugh growing up. When I was little and the others were off to school, I had the privilege of having one on one time with him. Some of my earliest memories were getting lunch at KFC and going to the river for a day of hiking or playing. He is proud of all his children and grandchildren and continuously lets us know that. This man loves his family and is extremely proud of the lives we've created for ourselves.

I'd like to thank my siblings, all of them. Being the youngest of four, I think I've had the best opportunity to form unique relationships with each of them individually. For the oldest, Richard---I'd like to acknowledge that you are the coolest brother ever. We share a lot of the same interests and have quite an understanding for each other. To my sister Stephnie, we may disagree on many things, but I know there is a love there that can never be broken. You are the person that I turn to when I need an advocate when my own voice is not being effective. You have a deep love for those you care about, and I think we share that trait. To my brother Chris, you are your own person. You've never cared about what people have thought about you and you've always stood up for a person who could not defend them self. I admire you for that. You are a loving individual with a big heart and you have more knowledge in that brain of yours than you give yourself credit for.

I'd like to thank my sister friend Brooke who has taught me that relation doesn't always come by blood. She is like my sister and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like her, but I've been lucky enough to keep her for about 15 years now and I don't plan on ever giving her up. She is a unique individual who's outlook on life is so thought-provoking. She always provides the words (not matter how little or how harsh) to get me through life's toughest situations. And her outlook on how to mend a broken heart is one-of-a-kind. She's seen me at my best and at my worst, and through it all....she's loved me anyway.

And for my Tami, who've I've been sister friends with for half my life, I don't know what I would have done without you. We fight like sisters, share tears like babies, and we are as dramatic as the reality stars I watch on television...but we are the best of friends and have such an understanding, and an obvious tolerance for each other. We may not always see eye-to-eye and we may bicker, but both of us know our friendship will never end. It can't. Because I think we'd be lost without each other. Thanks for letting me be my crazy self and always encouraging me that I'm better than what I probably actually am ;).

And I can't forget my Bethany. I haven't know Bethany for long, but we've become very close in the short time I've known her and I can discount the impact she's had on my life. Bethany is a person of great character. She is wise for her young age, but her wisdom comes from experience. She acknowledges an imperfect past but also seeks a better future. She's sought many ways to do this and I'm proud of her for being proactive about being a better person so that she can enjoy the rest of her life and not be weighed down by these past experiences. She teaches me so much about myself, and we have so many similarities. I am honored to share traits with her as I look up to her for her strength and determination. She's definitely been placed in my life strategically, and God definitely knows what he is doing. But Bethany is not just a seasonal placement; she will be in my life forever, if she'll have me :).

And to my own beautiful family:

Riley, Princess Angel, Ri Ri, Roo Roo, Rise...I love you so very much. The day I met you was the start of my life. Since then, I've learned the important things about life and how simple happiness can truly be. Every time you smile, laugh...my heart smiles. You are such a unique little person who has so much to offer already. You are beautiful, articulate, compassionate, intelligent, gentle, funny, helpful, caring, and intuitive. You are becoming a little lady so quickly and I know as you grow, so will your wonderful list of qualities. Thank you for giving the gift of becoming a mother.

To my Parker, Park, Park Bro, Bubba, Pumpkin, Noodle...I never expected to have such a perfect little boy. I feel so privileged that God gave you to me. From the day you were born, I knew you were made just for me. You are what boys should be, cute and sweet and rotten to the core ;). You are everything I imagined when I imagined a little boy and not a day goes by I'm not thankful for the gift of you. You enjoy life so much and that makes me so happy. I love your contagious smile and laughter and it's a God thing that I think you got these qualities from the man you were named after, Bryan Jackson, my cousin. Bryan always enjoyed life. He always smiled, laughed. He lit up rooms and charmed all those he encountered. Just as you do. Parker, you have definitely made me fall in love with you and no matter what girl comes along and tries to claim you, you will always be my little man. Thank you for blessing me with becoming a mother to a boy. It's been so very rewarding and I'm sure it's a gift that will keep giving.

Last, but not least, I'd like to thank my best friend in life. Tim, you aren't only my partner, but oddly enough you have become my best friend. I know times have been tough and we've had our share of ups and downs, but I believe in my heart that we are together for a reason. You ground me and you reason with me like no other, and I appreciate that you can do that. You love me even when I'm impossible and I know that must be hard. You are strong, smart, kind, loving, and fun. You know when to be serious and you know when it's time to let go and have fun. You tell me when I'm wrong and you tell me the truth even if it's not what I want to hear. And I need my best friend to do that so that I can grow as a person. I love you more than I could ever tell you in words, but if you allow me, I'll spend the rest of my life SHOWING you. Hopefully, we know enough now to make this work. I believe the worst is behind us and I am ready for all the GOOD the future has to offer. LUMED.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope this blog will inspire each of you to thank someone for being such a force in your life, or even just tell them how much you love them or how you truly feel. Life is too short to leave a person wondering. As I near my 30s, I realize more and more that life is so little about the material things and ALL about the people and relationships that are closest to us. Make your relationships a priority today.

I love you all.