What Do You Want for Christmas?

This commonly asked question is usually followed by a very affirmative answer.

I am personally always caught off guard by it. I am Mommy. I do for everyone else and I can't rest until all of it has been done. That's the way I've lived since becoming a mother and I can't seem, no matter how hard I try, to shake off the guilt of indulging in something for myself. Or even thinking about what I want for myself. Most recently, my hopefully future mother-in-law (she is awesome and I love her!) asked me this and I had no answer for her. All I had was the irritating response of "I don't know." Do I need things? Of course. But I can get them for myself, when, if ever, I have the money. Do I want things? Sure. But I feel guilty by even mentioning something to someone they could perhaps buy for me. It's a silly thing I know. But my happiness and fulfillment comes from GIVING and not receiving. It IS nice to receive things...don't get me wrong...but I have all I need and have been blessed enough this year to fulfill my giving needs.

What do I want for Christmas? I want to be happy and healthy. I want my children to be happy and healthy. I want my family and friends to be happy and healthy. It' ALL about the people and NOTHING about the things in life.

Things are needed. Sure. Things are wanted. I know. But it's the THINGS that cause all the arguments and hostility and in effect, causes rifts between people that should never have happened. I am grateful my family is close and doesn't let the little things come between us. I know of a family who can't even spend a holiday together in the same house of their aging mother because they are at odds over a estate will of a woman who has not yet passed. It's a brother and sister who haven't spoke in years, whose grown kids have been affected because they cannot enjoy holidays with their cousins or whose own children do not even know each other because of this rift started by material possession. That is nonsense.

I stress about money and my finances all the time and Tim and I sometimes fight over it...and it's the last thing we should be fighting about. In my opinion, if the bills are paid, the children are fed, and we have a house over our head...we are fine. But it's about the things we WANT that cause these ignorant problems to be present in our life. We are all guilty of it at some point and I'm not happy that I've let it get to me. But I'm human and I realize, even if sometimes it's too late, that it is so unnecessary to fight over money/things.

The things I really care about are the people in my life. I've said it over and over, but the holidays really stir up these feelings for me. And maturing as a woman has caused a new awakening of these feelings. No THING and no PRICE TAG can replace the people in your life.

My Christmas wish is for peace among lovers, families, and friends. For people to really embrace those people in their life and to find the simplicity happiness can be.

I don't have much. But I have the most amazing people in my life and I wouldn't trade them for a dime. I always dreamed of lavish things but in my current state of being, I AM HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE. And for once, I'm not dwelling on what I don't have. Except for maybe replacing all the broken blinds in my house (sorry...it BUGS me!).

So there you have it...I already have what I want for Christmas. So anything anyone gets me will be an added bonus.

Answer this: What do YOU want for Christmas that has nothing to do with material possessions?

Merry Christmas Everyone. I hope everyone gets to enjoy this holiday with the people that they love and that being together is enough to make this day a special one.

Peace and Love...

Turning Three...For Parker

Tomorrow we will celebrate Parker's 3rd birthday. Three years ago tomorrow, I entered the hospital at 5 a.m. ready and anxious to meet this little guy who soon became the love of my life. The pregnancy wasn't easy. I had been on bed rest twice, had round ligament syndrome, and had begged my doctor to let me meet him just a little bit earlier than his due date of December 27th. She said he was ready and we'd be induced on Tuesday, December 18, 2007. The day my life became much richer. It was a hard delivery. I was so elated when the nurse said it was time to push but the doctor had not arrived. The nurse told me to hold back a while so we could wait for the doctor. But much like now, Parker had his own plan. With half a push he came out. He was ready to begin his life. And what a beautiful life it's been. For not only him, but me and the people who are lucky enough to know him and love him.

Curious from the start, this boy was wide eyed by the first night he was here on this earth. That hasn't changed a bit. With his wide-open blue eyes, he explores every bit of this world and enjoys every moment of it. I've never seen such a happy child with such joy for life. He loves his mommy, daddy, his Ri-Ri, his MaMas, his family, race cars, Spiderman, and all sports. He loves food, getting into things that aren't supposed to be touched, and sliding into bed with us at night so slyly now that we don't even notice. He is a boy's boy and he is full of gusto. He jumps off beds, leaps off couches, touches hot ovens, turns the water heater to "vacation" mode so that mommy and daddy can experience an ice cold shower first thing in the morning. He gets up early and as a "Refrigerator Bandit" gets into food before we can detect he's awake yet.

Among his many raids, he's acquired a whole apple pie, which I found him eating with his hands straight from the pie dish one morning while sitting on his sister's bed watch Sponge Bob. He's been brown faced with Oreos and proudly woke us up with his cookie-covered face, he's opened up packages of hot dogs that went missing...only later to be found being ejected from a chocolate milk carton that had since been closed and put back in the fridge. Imagine the shock as I poured him his first glass of chocolate milk for the day. One hot dog, two, three, four...where does this boy get these ideas? Most recently, after a night of grocery shopping, I was packing away the food in the fridge. He told me "I want sausage." I told him he'd have to wait until the next night, when I planned on cooking a big breakfast for dinner feast. The next morning I opened the fridge to find a small portion of the raw sausage pinched off. Are there shock systems for refrigerators?

With every little boy's rotten nature, there is their sweet, loving nature. Not a a day has gone by that I haven't felt love from this little person. As an infant, he was my cuddle bug. As he grew, he became affectionate with his hugs and kisses...not only for me, but for everyone. He used to brush my hair every night. I remember the first time he said "I love you" to me which for many moms, is a moment you'll never forget. Now, when I tell him I love him he says "I love you more" and I say "I love you most" and he says "No I love you most". He loves his sister and when we drop her off in the mornings and I tell her to have a good day, he repeats my words and they rarely part without a hug and kiss. He admires his daddy and they share a love of racing and football and Sundays are often my days of getting to clean or do errands without Parker following me around. This is because he's glued to the couch with his daddy watching the latest NASCAR race or sporting event. He loves his extended family and enjoys all family visits or events. He's definitely touched the hearts of our family and our friends for different reasons; this boy is surely special.

I love to look into this child's eyes. Those blue eyes I know I could swim in if I tried. The eyes of wonderment, of love, of joy. For such a little person, he has such a big heart. I love to hear him laugh. It's purity and sound makes my heart happy every time. I love to hear him say new words, make new observations. I love to watch him learn and I love to teach him new things.

With his obvious cute factor and love of people, he is quite the charmer. He can bait anyone in a room, male or female, though he prefers pretty girls late teens-early twenties. Once, at one of his dad's races, he approached two cute girls around this age...introduced himself, told him his dad raced, showed him his racing shirt, and hey...even lifted it up for them to see his "abs". I jokingly told the girls he watches Jersey Shore a lot. They found him quite charming and amusing, and didn't mind his constant attention or the fact he stayed by their side until I called him back over. Later, their boyfriends showed up and Parker eyed them like a hawk. He's quite the ladies man and even though I'm sure his dad likes to take credit for that, I think Parker has more game than I'm comfortable with. I know how easy it was for me to fall in love with him, and I can imagine the heart breaker he'll be when he grows up.

What will he be? A football star? A famous baseball pitcher? Will he prefer soccer? Basketball? Or will he fulfill his already dream of being a race car driver? I'm sure whatever Parker does, he will be star. Recently at a gas station, a ten year old boy who could have been one of those kid actors from Talledega Nights with his redneck accent said "Ma'am...you sure have a cute son." I said "Well thank you." He said "I sure like them tattoos on em'" (Parker's sister had given him rock and roll tattoos the night before). I said "Yep. He likes them too." The boy's last words to me were "He's gonna be an artist or somethin' when he grows up."

Yes. An artist of some sort. An entertainer for sure. He has sure been entertaining to me and all those who know him.

I love this boy. More than words can even began to describe. My children are my world and having a girl and a boy gives me the best of both worlds. He's been everything I ever imagined for a little boy, and then some. He's a handful but a handful I'll never let go of.

Happy Birthday Parker Bryan Brothers. May you enjoy life forever as you enjoy it now.

With all my love (and patience!)

Mommy

The Day after 30

The day before my 30th birthday, I caught the stomach bug that had been flying around town. It was a miserable 12 hours and I didn't know how "happy" my 30th would be. I woke up December 15th feeling great. Brand new. And ready to enjoy turning 30.

I felt fresh. Rejuvenated. Happy.

I never thought turning 30 would make me feel so wonderful, or that I'd be so welcoming of it. But the 20s kicked my ass and I was more than ready to start a new chapter and say goodbye to them. I am a woman. I know what I want. It took most of my 20s to figure that out and obtain it, and that's why my 30s are going to be great. I look forward to my future with the group of people I've collected within my 30 years and I plan to enjoy life like never before.

There was no big party. No grand event. But I had a lot of birthday wishes from friends, a birthday sushi lunch with two special ladies, went ring shopping with Tim (yes, for the ring)...no I didn't leave the store with one but I have narrowed it down to two fine choices. I'm waiting until the jeweler gets her sapphires in to make my final decision. Then it's up to him to decide when to get it and when to finally put it on my finger and make me the happiest girl in the world. After that, we finished some more Christmas shopping and had a fabulous dinner at Copeland's. When I returned to mom's to pick up the kids, she had a birthday card with my favorite gift inside (cash!) and Riley had hand-made me a card. I believe the last line said "you bring me so much laughter". It doesn't take lavish gifts or a outlandish party to make a birthday girl feel special...it's the simpleness of warmth and love and togetherness in life that make me happy. And I got that. Reading her card was the icing on the non-existent cake and I couldn't have felt more special than when I read those words from her. In the card, she also called me "kind" and "sweet" and told me not to be sad that it's my birthday. I asked why I'd be sad. She said "Because you are thirty." Bless her little heart.

I'm not sad at all. Because of her, Parker, Tim, my wonderful family and my incredible friends...I have no reason to be sad. Life is about people. And I'm so blessed with all my people. I may not have much to show material wise...but I have so many people that love me that I love back...and that's what matters to me.

Laying in bed before we said goodnight, Tim kissed me and said I can never say again that I'm twenty something. I told him I didn't care. As long as I get to age with him and all the other people I love I'll be just fine.

I feel being 30 is the start of a new chapter in my life, a better chapter, far better than the chapters before. I feel happy, blessed, and excited. I feel better than I have in a very long time. Realizing the simplicity of happiness is a sign of maturity. I don't really want for much and am taking this time to focus on the people that have molded me into the person I am today.

Goodbye 20s. I learned so much from you and believe me, I'll never forget you...good times or the bad. But it's time to thrive. And I think 30 is the perfect time to start.

Hello 30, my new friend...let's make life great together.

To My Tim

This is for Tim. And I usually don't do this, but lately I've been feeling such gratitude for life and not just life, but the people that share this life with me. And today, I'd like to honor the man I love more than I've ever loved any man before.

No doubt our relationship is atypical. Or non-traditional. Nor does it make sense to others, including us at times.

But I am here to say that this man is a good man. He has not always acted like it, and his behavior has been flawed at times. But the reason I love him is because I know him  better than anyone that thinks he is less than wonderful. I will admit his flaws as I'm not afraid of them. He can be a bit selfish at times. A bit immature at times. And sometimes, he doesn't have the right words to say. He has trouble expressing himself and he's hard headed. Knowing these things doesn't make him any less desirable to me, nor does it make me love him any less.

Sharing most of the last three years with him, I've come to to know the man he truly is on the inside. I love his passion for things. It may not be the same passions I possess, but his passion for the things he loves makes me love him even more. Anyone who know me knows the struggles I've had with that race car. The racing. I didn't get it. Nor did I want to. But loving someone is loving who they are, and I have come to love that about him. I never went to a dirt race before March of this year, nor had I ever had the desire to. The first couple of times, I left less than thrilled that this money had went to something so trivial to me. But then I saw the smile on his face, the light in his eyes, and the passion from within that I'd never seen before. Seeing him do what he loves eventually made me love it to. I admit it: I am a dirt race fan. I know the cars, the classes of cars, the point systems, the drivers. I even have my favorite drivers I consider my "racetrack crushes". I love it.

Before, Tim would go on and on about car parts. None of which I knew about or cared about or could even pronounce at first. But now I enjoy getting online with him, browsing the race sites looking for parts that could make "our" car a winning car. I enjoy the excitement it brings him and I enjoy that he has passed this excitement to our son. I may complain about the daily wake up call of race car noises, but it's important for every boy to love something, to dream of something. And that is what his daddy has passed down to him. I love him even more for sharing something so special to him with our son. And I'm fully supportive of what either of my boys want to do. I know this is something that is a life long adventure, and I know they can bond throughout the years on this same hobby.

In fact, I can't wait until March 2011. When Tim races his first race with his newly renovated car. It's going to be great. I have such high hope for him and I believe he will do well. I can't wait until his first top-five finish. And I know the day will come when he wins his first feature race. Me and the kids will join him for his victory picture and it'll be a moment none of us ever forget.

I also love that he loves his job. His job is an important one and I cannot express how proud I am of him. He has come so far since I first met him, and it makes me happy to know he's grown as a person and he wants the best for this family. He works long, hard hours and it takes him away from us, but he is doing  his best to contribute to our family. I am thankful and grateful he has found a job he loves and that he works so hard to take care of us. And what makes it so meaningful to me is that...he never complains.

Our home life is a good one. We don't always do anything spectacular, but that's not what togetherness is about. It is about enjoying simple things and enjoying them together. TV time on the couch, family dinners, playtime, hanging out with friends and their kids, goofing off, and sometimes just sitting in silence because the peacefulness within allows us to do just that. I love when Tim gets on the floor with Parker and Riley, I love family wrestle time, I love to see him help Riley with her math homework (God knows I can't!), I love to see him look through race magazines with Parker. I love our alone time after the kids go to bed. I like the affection he gives and I love he tells me he loves me all the time.

I'm not perfect. And sometimes I forget myself how happy he makes me. And I don't always appreciate him the way I should. I take him for granted and I know I shouldn't. My life is BETTER because of him. He makes our house a HOME.

I know everyone doesn't agree with our relationship, or understand it. But to be honest, it doesn't matter. What matters is what goes on between just the two of us. We aren't your average couple, and we acknowledge it. But we do the best we can every day with what we've got. And we do it together. And we don't have exciting lives, but we have a good one.

Today I am reminding myself that no matter how bad my day goes, I need to be thankful for the man I have in my life. Everyone knows me knows that I'm a spastic being, and sometimes I go a few notches beyond normal. But I think everyone knows what a loyal lover I am. To my friends, to my family, and to the person I love. My imperfections can be difficult to manage, and he is trying his best to manage them. I love this man. And he loves me. He must, because he is still by my side.

I want everyone to know that despite our past, Tim and I are trying to move in the right direction. We have something and even if it's not visible to everyone else, it is special. And I want to marry this man. We know we have work to do before that happens and are not blind to problems we have. But we are working on them. And even though we've been apart, we always end up back together. Like it or not, I believe we are going to stay together. And that makes me the happiest person in the world.

I hope you are reading this Tim, and I hope you don't mind me putting everything out there. But you are the love of my life. And I want to share that with not only you, but the people who love me. I hope everyone can embrace Tim as I have because he is a wonderful man with a lot to offer. He's not perfect by any means, and he's done wrong. But we all have. And we've all at one point wanted or thought we deserved a second chance (or third or fourth). But I'm committed to making this work, no how many tries it takes.

To my man, my best friend...LUMED.

Thirty and Thankful

As I near the mostly dreaded 30s, I smile. I smile because I'm happy to have made it through my 20s. The 20s were not the best years of my life, though they were valuable. I learned so much about myself, about other people, and about life. And I hope to take every single one of those lessons and apply it to my 30s so I can live fabulously through them. I'm excited about the new adventure I'm about to embark on, and I don't feel old at all. I feel great. I feel rejuvenated. At times in my 20s, I felt old. I felt like life had beat me up pretty badly, and I thought I'd never make it through. But I did. I'm a survivor of my 20s and I'm happy to say hello to 30.

Turning 30 is not something I ever thought I'd be so happy to experience, but being where I am today makes me happy that I've come this far and excited about what the future will bring. It took most of my 20s to figure out what I wanted in life, who I wanted to be, and who I wanted to be with. It took another while of my 20s to get that all in order, and by the end of my 20s, I think I have it all together. I know exactly who I am, what I want, and who I want to be with. And right now, the pieces are fitting together and it feels good.

I am happy. I have a great family. I have friends that are like family. I have a great job that I love coming to every day. I have two beautiful children that make my life worthwhile every single day. I have an amazing man who was made just for me. I'm pretty lucky.

I don't live in luxury, nor do I care to. I don't drive a brand new car, nor does it bother me. I don't live in the biggest house, nor does it affect me at all. I look at it like this: I have what I need. My car works just fine. And my house is big enough for the beautiful family that lives in it. We have food. We have clothing. We have running water. And we have electricity. Most importantly, we have each other.

And as long as my kids are loved, laughing, and happy...I feel like I've met one of my biggest accomplishments: being a good mother and provider for my family.

I still stress about the financial worries that every family faces, but I know in my heart I am a rich girl. I will never be without because all the wonderful people I've surrounded myself with in this life.

So, here's to 30. May I continue to nurture all these relationships throughout my 30s and let them grow. May I continue to strive to be the best mother to my children and woman to my man. May I continue to be a good daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. May I thrive at my job and advance in my career. May I enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer, those pleasures that do not cost a dime.

I am incredibly happy at this point in my life and even though I stress about everything (it's in my nature!), I know I am taken care of because I am in good hands. God has blessed me with some pretty fantastic people and I don't know how I ever deserved such quality people, but I am completely grateful.

Here's to 30. Let's embrace life and love and people.

Peace and Love Everyone!

Honoring Those I Love

Blessed are those who give without remembering. And blessed are those who take without forgetting. ~ Bernard Meltzler

I love this time of year. The weather is perfect as it casts a cool air upon us. The leaves are turning color and twirling around us as we take a walk. It's the time of year when I find myself smiling at nothing in particular except the mere existence of myself and those I love and all that life has to offer. This time of year hosts Thanksgiving and Christmas, two days that are based on love, family, honor, giving thanks, and being grateful for all the possibilities we as individuals have been blessed with.

I have many things to be thankful for this year. If this were my winning speech for best actress this is who I'd thank, and why:

I'd like to thank my Mother for being the amazing rock she is. I'd like to honor her character, her strength, and her wisdom. I'd like to acknowledge her kindness, her forgiveness, and her understanding nature. I want to thank her for not only being an amazing mother, but the best grandmother to my children and my siblings' children. She's not only their grandmother, but a third parent to them as she is always there. I have so many wonderful memories of this woman and I hope I am blessed enough have many, many more.

I'd like to thank my father for always providing me with a laugh growing up. When I was little and the others were off to school, I had the privilege of having one on one time with him. Some of my earliest memories were getting lunch at KFC and going to the river for a day of hiking or playing. He is proud of all his children and grandchildren and continuously lets us know that. This man loves his family and is extremely proud of the lives we've created for ourselves.

I'd like to thank my siblings, all of them. Being the youngest of four, I think I've had the best opportunity to form unique relationships with each of them individually. For the oldest, Richard---I'd like to acknowledge that you are the coolest brother ever. We share a lot of the same interests and have quite an understanding for each other. To my sister Stephnie, we may disagree on many things, but I know there is a love there that can never be broken. You are the person that I turn to when I need an advocate when my own voice is not being effective. You have a deep love for those you care about, and I think we share that trait. To my brother Chris, you are your own person. You've never cared about what people have thought about you and you've always stood up for a person who could not defend them self. I admire you for that. You are a loving individual with a big heart and you have more knowledge in that brain of yours than you give yourself credit for.

I'd like to thank my sister friend Brooke who has taught me that relation doesn't always come by blood. She is like my sister and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like her, but I've been lucky enough to keep her for about 15 years now and I don't plan on ever giving her up. She is a unique individual who's outlook on life is so thought-provoking. She always provides the words (not matter how little or how harsh) to get me through life's toughest situations. And her outlook on how to mend a broken heart is one-of-a-kind. She's seen me at my best and at my worst, and through it all....she's loved me anyway.

And for my Tami, who've I've been sister friends with for half my life, I don't know what I would have done without you. We fight like sisters, share tears like babies, and we are as dramatic as the reality stars I watch on television...but we are the best of friends and have such an understanding, and an obvious tolerance for each other. We may not always see eye-to-eye and we may bicker, but both of us know our friendship will never end. It can't. Because I think we'd be lost without each other. Thanks for letting me be my crazy self and always encouraging me that I'm better than what I probably actually am ;).

And I can't forget my Bethany. I haven't know Bethany for long, but we've become very close in the short time I've known her and I can discount the impact she's had on my life. Bethany is a person of great character. She is wise for her young age, but her wisdom comes from experience. She acknowledges an imperfect past but also seeks a better future. She's sought many ways to do this and I'm proud of her for being proactive about being a better person so that she can enjoy the rest of her life and not be weighed down by these past experiences. She teaches me so much about myself, and we have so many similarities. I am honored to share traits with her as I look up to her for her strength and determination. She's definitely been placed in my life strategically, and God definitely knows what he is doing. But Bethany is not just a seasonal placement; she will be in my life forever, if she'll have me :).

And to my own beautiful family:

Riley, Princess Angel, Ri Ri, Roo Roo, Rise...I love you so very much. The day I met you was the start of my life. Since then, I've learned the important things about life and how simple happiness can truly be. Every time you smile, laugh...my heart smiles. You are such a unique little person who has so much to offer already. You are beautiful, articulate, compassionate, intelligent, gentle, funny, helpful, caring, and intuitive. You are becoming a little lady so quickly and I know as you grow, so will your wonderful list of qualities. Thank you for giving the gift of becoming a mother.

To my Parker, Park, Park Bro, Bubba, Pumpkin, Noodle...I never expected to have such a perfect little boy. I feel so privileged that God gave you to me. From the day you were born, I knew you were made just for me. You are what boys should be, cute and sweet and rotten to the core ;). You are everything I imagined when I imagined a little boy and not a day goes by I'm not thankful for the gift of you. You enjoy life so much and that makes me so happy. I love your contagious smile and laughter and it's a God thing that I think you got these qualities from the man you were named after, Bryan Jackson, my cousin. Bryan always enjoyed life. He always smiled, laughed. He lit up rooms and charmed all those he encountered. Just as you do. Parker, you have definitely made me fall in love with you and no matter what girl comes along and tries to claim you, you will always be my little man. Thank you for blessing me with becoming a mother to a boy. It's been so very rewarding and I'm sure it's a gift that will keep giving.

Last, but not least, I'd like to thank my best friend in life. Tim, you aren't only my partner, but oddly enough you have become my best friend. I know times have been tough and we've had our share of ups and downs, but I believe in my heart that we are together for a reason. You ground me and you reason with me like no other, and I appreciate that you can do that. You love me even when I'm impossible and I know that must be hard. You are strong, smart, kind, loving, and fun. You know when to be serious and you know when it's time to let go and have fun. You tell me when I'm wrong and you tell me the truth even if it's not what I want to hear. And I need my best friend to do that so that I can grow as a person. I love you more than I could ever tell you in words, but if you allow me, I'll spend the rest of my life SHOWING you. Hopefully, we know enough now to make this work. I believe the worst is behind us and I am ready for all the GOOD the future has to offer. LUMED.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope this blog will inspire each of you to thank someone for being such a force in your life, or even just tell them how much you love them or how you truly feel. Life is too short to leave a person wondering. As I near my 30s, I realize more and more that life is so little about the material things and ALL about the people and relationships that are closest to us. Make your relationships a priority today.

I love you all.