To My Superhero, To My Parker: Happy 4th Birthday!

December 18, 2007 was the day I met my superhero. He only weighed just a little over seven pounds, but his superpowers lived in his deep blue eyes and his tiny heart. No, his name isn't Superman, Spiderman, or Batman...it's simply Parker Bryan Brothers. He can't fly, scale buildings, and he doesn't drive the Batmobile. But he can captivate anyone's heart he comes across. He can provide a laugh to anyone he meets. And he can charm his way in, and out, of anything.

This year has been a fun one for me. Seeing him grow and learn and explore life has been such a joy.

He has become quite interested in superheroes of any sort. For Halloween, he was Superman. His costume had built in muscles, and he was quick to tell everyone to look at his "big boobies". A few months ago, I got him a kitten. Our new family member was named happily by Parker and we love Clark Kent aka CK. His birthday (held on Saturday the 17th) will be superhero themed and all the children will be dressed up as superheroes as Parker will celebrate in his Superman costume. Batman himself will make a special, surprise appearance when he brings out Parker's birthday cake. I can't wait to see his little blue eyes glow with pure excitement as he meets one of his favorites.

Learning for Parker has been met with adequate success and he can recite numbers or the alphabet, shapes, and colors. But mastering my iPhone and its many apps has been his greatest conquer of all. Not too long ago, his teacher told me she couldn't find her phone or Parker and found him, with her phone, in the corner of the room playing Angry Birds. Last week at Riley's basketball game, he made a couple of game goers chuckle with his constant request for me to "buy him some apps". Recently, his daddy got him a Nintendo DS, and he has skillfully mastered this as well.

Parker's real passion in life is to entertain. He's adopted some pretty cool dance moves and will show anyone who is willing to watch. He also loves singing and loves belting out tunes such as Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies" and "Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson (these choices are due to me and Riley's constant karaoke time on the Wii). These bursts of song performances have been well received by female shoppers as we whisk through Wal Mart. Most recently, he's been reciting LMFAO's lyrics "I Know I'm Sexy"...thanks AMA Awards. Of course, I told him that was not a song for kids and I haven't heard him sing it...too much. A natural comic, his facial expressions in everyday speech make it hard for anyone not to laugh. I can't tell you how many times he's made me laugh just talking in the car or snuggling on the couch at home. Even funnier is his pronunciation or misunderstanding of certain words or names. A few days ago, he cracked Riley and I up in the car when he asked if he could call "Pa Pa Stanley-O". Me and Riley chuckled and asked him again what he said and he said "YOUR DAD!!!". I told him that Pa Pa was in fact Stanley and he said "Really? OMG!!!" and hit his forehead with an "I'm a dork" expression. Then, I asked Riley "Did he just say OMG?" and she laughed and said "Ya. Weird."

Oh how I love my little superhero. His heart has such magical powers and I can't think of another boy who I'd like to spend my life with :). He's so gentle and loving. Kind and caring. Imaginative and creative. Curious and capable. Inquisitive and knowledgeable.

He can be rotten for sure...but his sweet moments certainly outnumber and outshine the not-so-sweet. Saying simple things like "Good morning, mommy", "I love you Mommy", "You are my best friend", and "I just want to cuddle with you" melt my heart and make me so grateful that God has given me such a wonderful, precious boy to love and to love me back. And let's not forget our morning ritual as I drop him off at school. He gets out of the car, stops and reaches for my hand. And so he holds it until we reach his room. Sometimes we say "best friends hold hands". He misinterpreted this once and I was told that he held hands with Chandler (a boy) at recess. I asked him why he did this and he said "because he is my best friend, mommy".

This kid can be unpredictable and recently at a Thanksgiving program (which he studied his lines and mastered weeks before) he blankly stared into the audience with a slightly disgruntled look. I caught the incident on camera and slowly but surely he inches his way off the platform and on to a riding toy that was sitting nearby. Parker, dressed as a pilgrim, simply said "the play was stupid" when I asked him why he didn't perform. Can't help but love the kid. See clip here:  http://www.flickr.com/x/t/0095009/photos/70314261@N06/6384447647/

Even with his unpredictable actions and rotten moments, one thing is consistent: his love for others. Yesterday was my birthday and Parker rubbed his eyes, smiled and said "Happy Birthday Mommy" before even rolling out of bed. Then, he sang a wonderful, creative version of "Happy Birthday" to me. That night, I found a vase of flowers and a handmade card from each kid. I loved my gifts. But my biggest gift is being a mother, and that is a gift that I receive every single day.


Happy Birthday Parker Bryan Brothers. I hope your fourth year of life gives you so many new, wonderful opportunities and I'll do my best to create lasting memories for you. You are my sunshine, my little superhero.


PS...I am SO excited about the party tomorrow...I mean, BATMAN is coming!!!
Love you the mostest,
Mommy


 

A Prewritten Future is a Bad Idea...

When the new year started, I was full of hope. I was, I thought, in a good place. I was, I thought, happy. I was, I thought, certain of what the year had in store for me. In a few short weeks, all that hope, all that happiness, all that certainty...faded. Everything changed.

You never know what the future holds, good or bad. And I'm not saying not to be hopeful or positive. I guess what I'm saying, is to not be so certain of things you cannot control.

As many of you know, I lost a relationship that was, at one point, very important to me. Now, in retrospect, I realize it was an unhealthy relationship and it was a dead-end one. But no one could have told me that at that time. I was in love and I had faith in that love. Some detrimental things happened along that path of love and faith, and I am facing a rough road ahead. But, in all honesty, I have a different kind of faith now and I believe that what happened was written, just not by me. I believe it happened for a reason. And even as bad as things are and even though I have a battle ahead, I believe it was an important, pivotal moment in my life.

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." ~Epictetus


No one can predict, change, or control what happens to us. But we are in control of how we react to the situation, and we can make the change we want to see for the future. That change starts with a single question: What have I learned from this situation?

I have learned you cannot make someone love you. I have learned that if someone wants to leave, you have to let go and let them leave. I have learned that self-control and self-restraint is very important when dealing with stress and loss. I have learned that I don't need someone just to have someone. I have learned that I am okay being alone. I have learned that my children are the most important people in my life and that even if they are all I have, then I have accomplished so much in this short life. I have learned to love myself again. I have learned to forgive myself. I have learned that God is always there for you if you allow him to be. I have learned to reach out to others for comfort. I have learned that I don't have to carry all the burden and that there is a relief in real faith. I have learned that it doesn't matter what other people think but what you think of yourself at the end of the day. And if your self-opinion is low, you need to do something about it. I have learned I am not responsible for others' actions, but I am responsible for mine and need to take accountability. I have learned it's not so hard to say goodbye to someone that doesn't even miss you. I have learned that love isn't enough sometimes. Lastly, I have learned that when a relationship dies, you are not to revive it from the dead. Just as someone passes, you have to let them go. You have to say goodbye. You have to walk away and leave them behind regardless of how badly you want them to stay.

If you think about what you have learned, you realize it wasn't a waste of time. It wasn't a mistake. It wasn't a complete loss.

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The next step is moving on.

Moving on for me is leaving the past in the past. Moving on is focusing on what I can control. Moving on is realizing what changes I need to make to be the best  woman, mother, daughter, sister and friend I can be. Moving on is learning to love myself again, learning to respect myself again. Moving on is letting go of all the hurt, anger, and resentment the past has burdened me with. Moving on is having faith in HIM and his WORD. Moving on means mending old relationships, strengthening current ones, and creating new ones. Moving on means forgiving myself. Moving on means forgiving others. Moving on means getting to know myself again. Moving on means facing life alone again. Moving on means embracing the change and learning from it. Moving on means changing the person I was, and being the person I have always wanted to be. Lastly, moving on means saying goodbye to those who were not meant to be in your story forever, to accept that while they were there for a few chapters, your story's conclusion is still open to endless possibilities.

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The story of your life is not meant to be prewritten. It is written from one moment to the other and there is no way of knowing what that next line, next paragraph, or next chapter might hold. You have to accept that and relinquish control. You have to have FAITH. And you have to know that even in the darkest hours, your story is not yet over.

Never stop believing that there is an amazing turn in your story...I know I haven't. What I've learned is...if you stay stuck on the same page, and you can't comprehend the text you are reading...you'll never get to experience the rest of the book...and that's simply not how I want to live anymore.

Letting Go, In Someone Else's Words...

I haven't blogged in a while. I guess, because, there was no new joy to tell others about. No profound words of happiness or hope. Some writers are inspired by their darker times, but during the darker times, I need others' words to nurse the wound. A friend found this for me a while ago. While I found the text profound, it wasn't enough for me to end the cycle that has now left me broken. That being said, here are some words that pull everything together when I take those steps back into the past, those steps so pointless to take. We can't go back, people. Only forward. And I've always been a big believer of being faithful to others, but right now, I think it's important for me to be faithful to myself. It's time I love myself and believe once again I deserve better than what I've been getting. The phrase is true "Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom". You do. So many people I wish I would listened to along the way, so many signs I shouldn't have ignored, so many times I could have walked away from something that was poisoning me. But I can't live thinking about what could've or would've happened. I have to accept what DID happen. And I have to live in the now and only go forward. I'm hitting the gas pedal and I'm not looking in the rearview mirror anymore. Now, a word from T.D. Jakes, a word I believe, anyone can take something from and learn:

There are people who can walk away from you.



And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.


When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.


The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]


People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.


Let them go.


And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead.


You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something...I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.


Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains LET IT GO!!!

If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge LET IT GO!!!


If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction LET IT GO!!!


If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents LET IT GO!!!


If you have a bad attitude LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better LET IT GO!!!


If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves LET IT GO!!!

If you’re feeling depressed and stressed LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying ‘take your hands off of it,’ then you need to LET IT GO!!!


‘The Battle is the Lord’s!’

My Wishes For 2011

I just turned 30 in December. And so far, it's been good to me. I have the support of family and friends that any girl would be lucky to have. I have a boyfriend who will soon be my fiance and kids that are incredibly wonderful and inspiring. I have a job I love and am blessed enough to have obtained after losing my last one in March of 2010. I have co-workers that are accepting, kind, and helpful on any given day. I have a home for my family and a car that gets me to where I need to go. And...I'm losing the weight that has been burdening on me...both mentally and physically.


What will 2011 bring me? I am hoping all GOOD things.

My wish for 2011 is for happiness for all my family and friends. And for my own family as well.

I hope that my relationship with Tim thrives and becomes the ideal relationship for the both of us so that we can both achieve our individual happiness but as a team. I aspire to be a better mom to my children and give them the things I couldn't give them before. All I want is two happy, healthy children who need, want for nothing and to see their laughing, smiling faces every day. I hope to thrive in my career. Not only money-wise, but peace of mind in what I'm doing every day when I come to work. Project management has been a challenge, but it's provided me a stepping-stone in my career and I'm grateful for the opportunity. I still have thoughts of becoming a teacher, and I'm weighing my options at this point...but whatever I decide, I'm in a good position to do whatever I want professionally speaking.

I hope to spend more time with my family, as well as Tim's. Life is too short not to soak up all the love our families offer. I hope to set aside one night a month for each of our families or relatives so that we can build more memories for us and our children. I've always had a wonderful relationship with my own family, but I am grateful to have a second family now that is warm and inviting. They have made me and Riley feel as if we are their own, and I love the quality of people they are and how they have made me feel loved. It's a blessing to have two families that love you and who you adore back. Life is good right now. I have a lot of love and feel grateful for every bit of it.

I hope to set more time aside for my friends and their children, so that our own children know each other like family...to build and maintain memories for years to come.

For my mom, I hope 2011 brings you less stress at work, more possibilities to travel to places she's always dreamed of going, to enjoy her life as a woman and not just a mother (we are grown!). Don't get me wrong, I still need my mom as much as I needed her as a child, but I want her to live her life to the fullest and not worry so much about us.

For my dad, I hope 2011 brings you better health, less danger at the workplace, more visits from family and friends (this includes me!), a peace of mind and heart, and better days.

For Richard, I hope 2011 brings you a big raise at work (hey---anything is possible!), maybe a woman friend who appreciates you for the wonderful, interesting, fun, and cool person you are. Someone who recognizes what a great father you are to your girls and the sacrifices you've made for them. I wish better health for you, weight loss too (you are doing GREAT so far you skinny-faced cutie!).

For Stephnie, I hope 2011 bring you more savings, so that you and Brad can buy that house you've always dreamed of. I hope you both thrive in you careers and that you are compensated accordingly. You already seem to have a happy home life, but my wish for you is to be able to enrich that even more.

For Chris, I hope you find a purpose in life. It's never too late to do the things you've dreamed of doing. You are smart. Beyond smart. You are kind-hearted and family-oriented and I wish you had the confidence in yourself that I have in you. I wish for you to jump on the weight-loss wagon me and the rest of the family have, too. You are trapped in a body that does not reflect your insides and I see how that affects you socially. Have confidence on who you are on the inside and start making those changes for a better life. School is always an option, and I have faith that if you put forth the effort, you will be successful. A little love in your life wouldn't hurt either. Someone is surely to see beyond the tough exterior and into the heart of gold you have!

For Kristin, I hope you succeed in school and in life. You have all the right tools. You are hard-working, kind, generous, and strong. I am so proud of the woman you have become and I know you will just get better and better with age. You are my niece, my adopted daughter, and my friend. Please keep going in the direction you are heading and you will achieve nothing less than greatness.

For Cecilie, finish school. Apply to a really great artsy/music school and be the unique, talented individual you are. Be yourself and own it. Never be ashamed of being different. This makes me PROUD of you. I wasn't always like everyone else and in many ways, I'm still not :). Embrace your individuality and make use of it in a positive way. Keep up with your artistic and musical talents and you will be happy in life.

For Tyler, keep playing football buddy. You are becoming a star on the field and you are going to go far. Better start pumping that iron at the gym! You were my first nephew and I'll never forget how special that was. You were my first lil man, and Parker is my own lil man now, but you'll always be the first real lil man love of my life. Keep being you. You are so awesome. You may be quiet but you are so unique and kind and I am proud of you.

For Paige, to my lil twin, I love you so. When I look at you, I see my former self. Bubbly, over-dramatic, over-talkative, aspiring fame...I may not have made it to the big screen girl...but you certainly can. Do me proud and keep being the little entertainer you are.

For Gracie,  my sweet Grace. Riley was three weeks old when you were born, but that didn't stop me from coming to the hospital to meet you. From day one, you have been this sweet person who is full of love. You have a joy for life and family that is admirable. Keep doing good and keep trying new things...I know in time you'll find just the right thing that is going to lead you to some sort of stardom in your future.

For Riley, I can't say enough about you princess. You are well beyond your age in the way you think. Keep reading those books and keep singing those songs and keep dancing to the tune of life. You may be a writer, a teacher, a performer...any of those things I can see you doing. I can't wait until the day you find exactly what you want to do and are doing it successfully. You have the beauty and talent to achieve any dream. Keep being that amazing little girl you are and you will be successful.

For Parker, keep watching those races. Keep playing those sports. Keep making those funny faces and noises. Somehow, you are going to be a star; I just haven't figured out which stage it will be on. Either way, you sure are a fast learner and so in-tune with every thing that goes on around you. Not only have you found a love for racing and other sports, you fully comprehend them. You're going to be a star and I cannot wait until daddy and I are watching your debut.

For Tim, I just wish you happiness. With yourself. With me. With our family. I wish you success in your new racing season and cannot wait til you zoom across the finish line first. It will be an amazing day for our entire family. I hope you thrive in your career and maintain the love for it you have now. I look forward to this new year together, this new race season, and seeing more smiles and laughter from you in this new year.

And for my friends (you aren't forgotten), I just wish for you the happiness and health for you and your families. That each of you get the happiness you deserve and that everyone is finally content.

On a personal level, I hope to become the best person I can possibly be. I spent most of my 20s learning what kind of person I wanted to be and for the most part, hit most of the big stuff. There are still some little things to work on, and I plan on working hard to achieve those things.

I have no real New Year's resolution. I just want to continue on a path of bettering myself and the relationships in my life. That's all. Mostly, I just wish goodness on all my friends and family.

Happy New Year Everyone. I hope 2011 brings luck, happiness, and peace to you all.